A Bug's Life

Life seems to be changing so quickly lately. One minute I'm feeling strongly about something and the next I feel the exact opposite. I don't even know how to put it into words. Something is missing, I can tell - I just can't put my finger on it quite yet. Well no that isn't true, but this goes to show how drastic my feelings get. I was so sure about this, but now I'm not so sure it was a great idea. I don't expect anyone to know what I'm talking about, but I do in my head and I need to get it out on "paper". Not that anyone does read my blogs anyway. I feel like I need a big change in my life. I don't know why but university just keeps on looking better and better at this point. I want to get out in the world and meet new people, and start over (of course not forgetting the most important people in my life). But at the same time I'm afraid - afraid of losing everything I have. Every little connection - that person I see in the hallway and wave to - or that person that I talk to the odd time. I hate to think that because our relationship wasn't close enough, that it will all be lost. I don't know what to think anymore.
One thing that is looking up for me is my best friend Breanne coming to see me - for real - in person! For almost a week! I'm so excited. I haven't seen her in 9 years. And that is a long long time. Come to think of it, I think it's 10 years almost now. Right.. well thats all - but I'm really happy!.. for that anyway.

Man this is bad. I haven't written in such a long time. Funny that I'm writing on Valentines. Valentines day sucks. Especially when you don't have someone. But why am I complaining? I mean I don't exactly want one particular person. Not like the feeling is returned anyway. Oh well.. hey man if you're out there though. Speak today! It'd be good. Stupid Gigi and her anonomous valentines. I swear! And she complains about how beautiful I am. Well you dont see me waving one around do you? That just goes to show that finally amber doesn't know something and I'm right! Yeah I'm done. Things have been wierd lately, but that's ok. Change is good right? I've reunited with an old friend and it feels like nothing was ever missing. I guess that means that our friendship was meant to be. Gigi agrees. The thing is there is no tension, no awkwardness. Just understanding and forgiveness on both ends. Come to think of it, it really was no one's fault for what happens and so no one was to blame and that's why everything is ok again. I'm glad for that.

This blog is in referance to the January 9th entry. I lied then. I never let go, because I couldn't bring myself to do it. And I truthfully didn't want to. I came up with excuse after excuse as to why I should still be friends with this person, but it all seemed a useless waste of time. I know this time that I'm done. I'm done with being pulled down; weighted to the ground. I'm tired of being leaned on and taking all the weight because someone doesn't want to put the effort into life. Life is a joke to them. I'll never get anywhere if I'm living two lives. I need to focus on my own life and do what's right for me. What's right for me is not being with this person. I think that if I truly let go, things will get better. It will be hard I know, but he's leaving soon anyway. Everything will be easier after that. So I say goodbye to you... you know who you are. I don't blame anything on you, and I still care for you, but it isn't right anymore. I'm sorry. I don't want to sound full of myself, but put yourself in my shoes for once and see where I'm coming from instead of pitying him. I'm hurting too, and this was no easy decision.

Finally exams are over and done with. It's such a relief off my back except for next semester I have first period off and then 2,3,4,5.. that blows. So no spending quality time with my gal Gigi.. or my other friends.. or someone else... hehe. Anyway, things are looking good from here on this end. I'm ready for a week of spending time with my friends and relaxing, and then I get to go to my grandmas! Oh man I love going there!! Hehe I get so spoiled. hmm and making gingerbread houses at sarah's.. ohhh gingerbread.. *drool* (now would be a good time to insert my drool face on msn). Anyway I'm keeping this short because I have better things to be doing than sitting on a box the entire weekend. I'm going to make this week unforgetable... in a good way that is -- *pause ** -- I hope...

Well. Now that you know about my mystery man... let me tell you a bit about my mystery enemy. He is so rude, ignorant and inconsiderate. He enjoys telling the WHOLE WORLD about my personal life. He seems to think that this is something funny, but I have news for him. He doesn't know how to distinguish between jokes and seriousness. He talks about things he doesn't even understand or know about. I'd like to trust this friend of mine, but how can I if he never shows that he can be trusted? You know, sometimes I just really can't stand Yaser.. Uhh.. I mean.. *cough* my mystery enemy. joking. That is all.

*sigh* another day done and gone. I'm beginning to find life really monotonous. I think I need some excitement in my life. Well ok that's not entirely true. I've totally fallen for this guy, and I don't exactly know how it started... it just.. DID! And well things are weird because it's just the beginning of a relationship... friendship of course. Anyway not that anyone actually reads my entries anymore (or ever did), so I'll just kind of let go. I'm not one to be quiet and not know what to say, as Gigi would be able to tell.. she and I have this thing were we just talk talk talk..... I'm surprised we don't scare everyone away. But that's not the point of this entry anyway. I just never know what to say around him. And it sort of creeps me out a bit when he looks at me because I feel like he can see right through me! but, I think he likes Gigi because of what she tells me he's saying, or the way he talks to her. But then again I think to myself. I trust her. And she doesn't want to intrude on my territory, if you know what I mean.
The other day walking home, I was thinking a lot about someone I once was very close with, someone I had a relationship with long ago. And I realized how much I missed that and wished I could take it all back and start again. Now I couldn't quiet decipher between all the feelings but I think it's pretty clear to me now. I think what was long ago, cannot be renewed unless he is willing to change his life around. It wouldn't work out, because our lives are headed in two different directions and there would be much tension and insecurity because of his habits and people that he is always with. So I think this is my time to say, "it was nice then, but maybe one day".
Back to this new guy experience. I don't know what to think. Except sometimes I wonder if he's falling for my best friend. And even though she says no, I almost rethink that. She's pretty, cute, friendly, outgoing, nice.. and probably other things I'd rather not think of that may run through a guys mind when he looks at her. I almost feel the slightest competition, but for what? She doesn't want that, but then you must think..

I'm still being very lazy about entries. I should update them more but I've been tied down with so many ISU's and final projects that I just don't have time to get on the computer anymore. Not only that has been bothering me so much, but the fact that my best friend I am worried about. He just doesn't seem to put forth any effort anymore. I want to him to excel so much and I want him to become somebody. I've tried to help him, but all he ever does is tell me not to worry. I don't want to see him go down like this. He has no sense of direction or understanding of his future. I care for him so much, but I've made my decision. I'm letting go. Nothing matters. His future is in his own hands completely. And as my mom would say. "one cannot change, unless they are willing to on their own". With that. I am finished. I will try no longer. The future is oblivious.

Wow. It's Christmas eve already. I can't believe how fast the days go by. And still how little I enter blogs. I'm really trying. Lately a lot has happened. My two best friends got in a huge fight and didn't talk. In fact Gigi and I had planned to buy howie-d a gift together, but because of this fight she backed out. I tried to convince her to try and work it out and forgive him, but she refused. I was hurt and upset because I knew that I'd have to spend Christmas with the two of them seperately and that was NOT how I wanted to spend my Christmas. I don't know how it happened, but from what I hear they are talking again and I was told that we are spending Christmas all together again. I'm so happy and I thank God for whatever made them talk again. I really wanted to help get them back together, but Gigi told me he needed to learn by himself. And so I left it in hopes that something would happen. And to my surprise something did. And its the most wonderful feeling to have at Christmas.

I realize now that it is seldom I put my feelings here. So I figure I have 10 minutes, I will write something. Nothing really has happened, except that now Howie and I are ok again. That's a relief because it was very hard to be apart from someone so close. Things are ok now I guess. I went to a semi formal on Thursday the 4th, and it was alright. As usual I danced with no one. I suppose my small inperfections repel any guy to ask me to. But such is life. I just cant wait to get away to university where I can start over and meet someone special. *sigh*.. the day that happens. Anyway I have to babysit so I'll write more later

So much has happened since the last time I have entered a blog. Mainly the loss of my best friend. My feelings are torn and bleeding. Ripped and unable to recover. I dont know if we will ever be the same again. I was treated like dirt. Pushed aside. Unimportant. I was angry. I just needed a few days to breathe, then everything would be ok. But within days every mutual friend new and are on his side. They look down on me and have turned their backs. The feeling of having some of my closest friends question me is unbearable. Who can I turn to when I am down? Nobody except my best friend Gigi. Why you ask? Because for different reasons she needed a few days to recover. The same thing happened to her. he blew it out of proportion. Everyone knows because he is so childish. Gigi and I were being adult like and not involving anyone because it was none of their buiness. The only people we told was my mother, my best friend Breanne, Gigi's mom, and Gigi's best friend Renee. Yet everyone seems to think that because we dont display our emotions, we are cold hearted and inhuman. They don't see that we are hurting and in pain. I don't know if it is possible for he and I to be friends again. Best friends may even be pushing it. He was like my brother. A family member. And now he is dead to me. I have never experienced so much pain and humiliation. My heart is broken and may never mend.

At least I will not be alone.

A lot of stuff has happened lately. Let's see.. I've been to two improv shows, and they were a blast. Tomorrow I spend the day with my bug pete. I think that Gigi is mad at me because I was angry that she planned for pete to go and fix her computer before she even asked me. So I was upset because this is all over Drew, and I know that it is too. Anyway other than that Howie-D my best bug is over right now and we are hanging out. He is eating all of my freezes, playing my piano and reading chinese comics! I finished all of my very difficult homework for the weekend. Man its tough being bug!

I don't quite have much to say. I am nervous. And I can't eat. Today I must go to school and have a picture taken of me for my school card. Boring! And I look horrible! Besides that, last night I had an emotional overload. You see, too much has happened all at once and I can't take it all. My sister bug leaves soon for university, Gigi's grandparents really like me, so do Pete's parents, and Pete likes me! And I must say good bye to my old teacher who taught me how to play with my wings. And I miss work (isn't that strange?). Well anyway, not only that. Last night I was writing a story with Gigi, and for some odd reason, I got really into character (more than I usually do) and I was actually crying for my character. I don't know. I know there is more that I am forgetting about that has built up. But in a nutshell, that is my life at this moment. Oh the misery!

Oh my goodness. It has been just over a month since I have entered a new blog. I have been so busy lately. The queen mother signed me up for work with the little babies in our coloney. It was so very tiring. I had no time to write. But now, my days are open. So I will tell everything. The days are so relaxing now that I have no work, and I have been able to see my other bug friends. My best friend Gigi, and Howie-D (who finally came back from his long trip to Texas). I've also been seeing someone else. I suspect that he is going to be a special bug, but at the moment it is undecided. Well, that actually is all that is new, I thought there would be more. Oh yes, the school year is approaching and I am preparing. I must go now and prepare for my lesson in music. I am finally learning the theory behind wing rubbing! It is so very boring, but good to know.

Zzzzzzz. Today is the weekend and time for some major snoozing. I have time off work and the queen mother isn't making me go anywhere or do anything. Although tomorrow I do have to take care of two children for a little while, but that will be easy! Next week at my work should be easier than before. The exchange bug leaves next monday. And I will be sad. But Gigi is back! And soon Howie-D will return and then I will be complete with my two best bugs ever with me! I don't have much to say except that I miss my sister bug, but she returns sunday and that I am so busy this weekend that I dont think I can see Gigi. But maybe on sunday (I hope!).

Let's see here. My life is basically horrible. Gigi is back at her cottage and Howie-D is still in Texas. My two best friends that I go to for help. Work is so tiring. It's not fun anymore. And I got yelled at for doing a job poorly that isn't even my job! The nerve my senior staff had to say that! But I didn't say anything back. I hope he gets it bad. I tell you if he even thinks of telling me I did the job poorly again I'll run my mouth so bad on him! No lie!

Oh wow I haven't entered a blog in many many moons! So much has happened. let's see. I have been working hard but then I feel ill. Where I work it there are some tiny bugs (smaller than me!) that have a disease. So they took my blood and now they are testing me for West Nile! Ahhhhhhhh! It hurt so much to get blood taken. And now my throwt is sore. I missed two days of work, not to mention my best friend's birthday that I forgot today! Oh dear me! what a mess I am! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOWIE-D! He is an old bug these days. Then my best friend Gigi is supposed to be back today. I have left a message at her house but nothing.. She has not replied to me. She is a funny bug she is! Anyway I am tired and going to go clean my area before I go out with the exchange bug from the other coloney and perhaps watch a film and try not to be hitten by any fly swatters!

Today is a wonderful day. I have two days off of work. Yippee! And on the weekend, if the weather is nice. I will get together with some friends and go down to the lake to be out in the fresh air and perhaps meet some other bugs from nearby colonies! I am so excited! I haven't been with many friends for long. This will be good for me, since the queen has finally given me some leave and has not hordid (??) me with work. Anyway, this entry is short because I have things to do. My rash broke out on my arms again today. Not good. I shall tend to that right away. I miss my Gigi ever so.

Once again, I have finished another's day of hard work. It was fun, but now I am very tired. Now that our new bug from another coloney has settled in, the entire coloney is taking a trip to the lake to show her some of the things she has never seen. I am so excited! We rarely go on such expeditions. Today at work I developed a strange rash on my arms. It is very itchy! But I will have to deal with it. Things are quite boring around the place without my bestfriends Gigi and Howie-d. I miss them very much. They are both away on vacation.. too far for my wings to take me to them. Also another bug friend Bre lives far away, so I have not seen her in many moons. That is all I have to say, dinner awaits me.

Today at work, we celebrated this "Canada day". I finally have learned that this is when the country that I live in was created, or was designated as a country. Other than that my day has been quite busy, with music lessons. I am finally understanding the concept of making music with my wings and legs! It's truly a wonderful break through. Tonight I will go with my mother to pick up an exchange bug from another coloney who is coming to stay for a month so that she can learn the ways of my people. How interesting! I am excited and soon I will go and fetch her soon. And I think that I am in love. This bug that lives in a coloney near by is so very attractive! And wonderful! He even is talented enough to sing! But then there is an old bug that I once was with... I sometimes am confused as to wether I wish to be with him or not again. Gigi has told me that she thinks I have a second chance but I am not sure if I want to take this chance again. Oh how confusing life is!

hmmm... No entry yesterday. I was quite busy with my job and all. I was so pooped when I got home that I just flopped down on one of my petals and basically went to sleep right there. Plus I had to play bug ball (a sport only made for bugs of my kind). And it was a lot of fun, even though my team didn't win. Anyway Today is Canada day. Do you know why I know? Because I heard the people in my house talking about it today and dressing in red and white. Something about the birth of this country. What strange people! Yes.. I will have to further investigate this odd celebration. As for now, I am going to go on a car ride with them to watch something that they call fireworks. I believe it is bright lights flashing in the sky in some sort of exotic pattern. I must be going, they are leaving soon.

I haven't done much today. I woke up this morning, watched some TV. But couldn't exactly see and almost was killed! Those darn people in my house tried to kill me with a fly swatter! They have no sympathy! Anyway after that I cleaned my room (what a mess!) But everything is all nice and tidy now. Then my mother and I went shopping for some nice shoes. It's hard finding shoes for feet this small and oddly shaped. But at last I found the pair. Hmmm perhaps I will wear them in my next outing, though I hope I do not lose them. Then I came home and did some chores (as my queen mother had ordered) and now I have a peaceful evening ahead of me to relax and do what I wish (to a certain extent).

Well. It's Saturday night. So much has happened lately. My best friend GIGI just made me a floral arrangement for me to live in! Aren't I special. And I recently created one for her, so when I decide to drop by, I will have a place to stay all of my own. It's so much nicer than that discusting spider plant that I must share with the spiders and such. This will actually be my own! I will miss her for awhile though, because my wings don't quite carry me all the way to her cottage. It is a far journey and my mother is still holding the throne so I am still below her until I am old enough to own my own coloney. Other than that. My life is quite fine, but I must go and munch on some fruit flies. 'Tis time for a midnight snack.